Time away is wonderful! I have been blessed to be in Texas visiting a very dear friend of mine who is down here on a one-year internship with Texas A&M’s strength and conditioning coach. She is a phenomenal woman and has a heart for the Lord that is tough to find in this day and age.
As I was preparing to come down, AJ told me she had a book for me to read while visiting. For those of you that know me, I LOVE TO READ! It is one of my favorite hobbies. So, the mention of a good book to read and discuss got me super excited. I started the book yesterday morning and my goal was to catch up to AJ, who was on chapter 11. I did not heed God’s warning as I began to read this book. I should have known it would be intense and stirring since AJ was recommending it. Now and Not Yet is a book about “making sense of single life in the twenty-first century” and it has hit home with my heart.
I want to share some of my initial and on-going thoughts with you all. This is a glimpse into my heart, my struggles, and my desires. I tend to fight when I feel God pushing me to share, but I know he pushes for a reason. My prayer, as I write this, is that you would be blessed in knowing that we all struggle at times in our walks with Christ. But, we must learn to rest in HIS love and HIS truth as we go through those times. Just as James tells us to “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance,” we must push through the struggles. Push through the struggles knowing that we will come out stronger on the other side.
“Our highest calling is to love God and to live in obedience exactly where he currently has us.” This truly is my heart. I want to be satisfied right where God has me. But, shouldn’t I be allowed to have desires and hopes and dreams WHILE living in the satisfaction of where God currently has me? I mean God says his plans are to “prosper us….to give us hope and a future.” So I find myself wrestling to find balance in living obediently in the present while trusting that it’s okay to hope and dream about the future. I can’t find the middle ground. So I go from high to low – highs of the joy I have in where I am in life and lows of thinking my hopes are selfish and God doesn’t care.
Yes I am blessed as a single woman. I have more “freedom” in ministry. I am able to go visit people. I have one agenda to consider. I am so grateful for where I am. But I also don’t think it is wrong to want something else. I look at marriage several ways: 1) an opportunity to share life in an intimate relationship with another believer 2) the ministry doors that are opened 3) the opportunity to live as an example of Christ and his church 4) levels of intimacy that can only be shared by two people who have committed themselves to one another for LIFE.
Being so driven by relationships and constantly desiring depth, marriage is very appealing. And I don’t feel it is wrong to want that. I know I have to keep myself in check so that I am not consumed in negativity of being single. I know that I have to be ready when satan twists words of my married friends and throws daggers at my heart. I know that I need to be living out this time to deepen my relationship with Christ. But knowing all the “right things” doesn’t automatically make life easy.
It can be overwhelming to think of all I desire or don’t have right now. But, I am rich. I am rich in the love of Christ! And I am being reminded of that often lately. Sometimes I get so me-focused that I take my eyes off of that eternal reference point. Every little bump in life causes me to over-correct and veer onto a wild roller coaster. Perspective is skewed and satan attacks. This trip has been refreshing. It has put my perspective back in line and the eternal reference point is back almost to clarity.
I’m hungry for more of Jesus! I’m desiring to dive deeper into him and grow. I need to get back down on my face from time to time. I need to pick up on the running again and exercise. I need a focus check.
Thank you Jesus for this time. It has been emotional and uncomfortable, but it has been good. Please help me to stay focused on you and the truth that you breathe into my life every day! AMEN