Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ohhhhh, that is me.

That was my response last night when I was reading chapter 11. Those moments of self-realization hit hard don't they? I am not ready to write about my big "WOW" moment yet-- I have not finished the chapter and need more time to pray, dig into the Scripture and think about my insecurity in this area. I just returned from a 4 day mission trip in Kentucky and am packing up to leave again for a family vacation, but I promise that in two weeks, I will have a post about this "A-Ha" I had. Let me give you a little hint: C-O-N-T-R-O-L. I like to have it. I like to be in it. That is not good. Anyways, I have lots more to say about this area and how it applies to some of the relationships in my life.

Today I heard a song on the radio, and it was a familiar song, but this was the first time I really listened to the lyrics. It really speaks to how we let insecurity alter our life, the life God wants us to live, free from the bondage of insecurity. Check out "Walk on Water" by Britt Nicole . You can go to http://www.youtube.com/ and type in the title and listen to it while you watch the lyrics as well. I tried to directly link it to this page, but I couldn't figure it out. My tech-savvy husband is not home presently. :)

Happy Easter to everyone!

Monday, March 29, 2010

I am better than this....

So I'm moving through this book a little slower than expected. Normally I can pick up a book this size and be through it in a few days. Honestly, I am only getting through a chapter a week! It has been rough, but amazingly great.

I just finished chapter 5 "Rooting It Out". Yes, you are thinking correctly....this chapter makes you start digging through your insecurities. So, I am about to be very honest. Let me preface this honesty by asking you not to feel sorry for me or sad or bummed. That is not my intent in sharing my heart. My intent is to be real and show the glory of God in my life.

My biggest insecurity comes in my relationships with people, primarily friends. I can convince myself at any given moment that a friend doesn't really value my friendship as much as I value theirs. I mean, I can convince myself that a person truly dislikes the mere presence of me. I did just this over the weekend. I had myself convinced that my friend felt like they wasted a day by spending it with me. I woke up Sunday morning and was beyond sad about it.

Where did this all come from? It seriously snuck up on me and planted itself in the center of my heart. I felt suffocated by this insecurity. I felt trapped. I felt like every single person I came in contact with could see right through me. I prayed. I begged. I cried. .

Nothing would give me relief.

Then it happened. I sat still for a few seconds and listened. God comforted me. I cannot explain it. I just felt hugged and loved and reassured and better. God pumped me up to remind me that I am better than the LIES that satan feeds me. "I am better than this," I thought. I am better than the lies being fed to me. I am a child of God.

I don't believe that the struggle with insecurity is over. However I feel like the walls are coming down. Walls that have been up for a very long time. I know that it will hurt a little, but I know God can heal my wounded heart. For that I am grateful and humbled.

Friday, March 26, 2010


Ladies! 3 of our 5 ladies have been on a mission trip this week and I've been slowly reading through the chapters so no new posting for us BUT I just found out that First Church of God in Columbia City is doing a LIVE simulcast of Beth speaking about So Long Insecurity on Saturday, April 24th! It's from 10-3:30 and I believe the cost is $20 including lunch. I wanted to be sure to pass this on to anyone who would be interested in going! If you aren't attending our May retreat in Grand Rapids, this may give you your Beth fix too! (please note that when we go to GR in May to hear her speak, it won't be about So Long Insecurity so you can actually go to both!)

If you'd like more info about this please call the First Church of God at 260.244.5959

Friday, March 19, 2010

I gotta tell ya

I haven't even started the book. I am sure that Beth would have something to say about this! :) I checked in real quick last week just enough to let you all know that I was around but crazy. I am no less crazy but it's really good crazy!

- I have started a new part time ministry job at Warsaw First United Methodist Church as their Director of Children's Ministry. It is a great church and so far I am really enjoying serving with the people there.

- I moved. My room mate and I found out the last weekend of February that we were going to have to move and as of March 13th we were out of the old house. There was a lot of drama involved in the move and I really dislike packing and cleaning stuff...however, I love unpacking and setting up a new place. We are really loving the new place and ultimately it's a much better fit for us!

- I am getting ready to leave on a short mission trip with some ladies from the North Webster church. We are leaving on Sunday for Henderson Settlement in Frakes, KY. We will be setting up a salon for the local people. I have done this type of trip a few times and I am really looking foward to some time to serve and get out of the daily routine.

So as you can very well imagine, I am lucky that I still know where I am and where the book is! :) I will be packing it on the trip and hope that I can get a jump start on reading it! I know that insecurity is a huge struggle for me! I am anxious and nervous about the works that God wants to do through me in regards to insecurity. But I really love a good book. Hopefully next week I can join the incredible discussion that is happening on the topic.

I am proud of my partners in this blog. They each seem to really be digging into this book and I know that isn't easy! I love each one of you whether you are a writer or reader!

Thanks for change, and thanks so much for all the blessings you have given to me! I at times feel overwhelmed and always feel so inadequate; yet I know that I am yours and you have a plan. I am trying to seek you in everyday. Ahmen

Thursday, March 18, 2010

One of my "roots"

One of my roots of insecurity is change. Beth says "most women find a tremendous amount of security in sameness" And I say. YES! I know I've talked about this before but it's such a big one for me. Dramatic change doesn't always have to be bad like losing a job or a loved one. It can just be a simple change of a house, job, friend, etc. She said if we are enough control freaks we may be able to keep some things the same but "to be sure, we don't just old on to them; we strangle them half to death!" I laughed out loud when I read this part... I can totally relate.

One of my biggest insecurities came out in the first few months of our marriage. I had left my job, friends, home, and live in another town to marry the man of my dreams! It was wonderful. Only I would be in bed each night thinking... "he doesn't love me" or "this is awful and it's going to get more awful" And the tears would roll. Now please don't think it was because of anything my hubby did! He was and is an amazing man and husband and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. This whole thing was because of me and my insecurities! (and a whole other host of things that comes with marriage and communication and living with a boy!) What I was doing was grieving the loss of what I had and then pouring that into him. I was expecting him to be my "everything" For those of you who have read this... and for many others who already know... men cannot and will never be our "everything". So when I wasn't getting my entertainment, exercise, talk time, friend time, etc... from him, I immediately let my thoughts jump to how it was my fault and how if only I was ..... fill in the blank.

Time and lots of good conversation healed that for me and for us but I would have never thought a wonderful change like marriage would have brought out so many insecurities in me.
Are you with me ladies? Have you had this happen in your life- change for the good or bad that has rocked your world and filled you with insecurity? I'm so so glad He used the wonderful change of marriage to continue to mold me into what He wants me to be! I'm going to leave you with Beth's and God's words because they say it all!

"The truth is God uses change to change us . He doesn't use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny. I hate to display such a firm grasp of the obvious but how will we ever change if everything around us stays the same? Or what will ever cause us to move on to the next place He has for us if something doesn't happen to change the way we feel about where we are?

"Don't be misled my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation became his prized possessions" James 1:16-18 NLT

Monday, March 15, 2010

Self, get over it!

In Chapters 5 and 6 of So Long Insecurity, Beth explores the different roots of insecurity: Instability in the home growing up, a significant loss, rejection, dramatic change, personal limitations, personal disposition, culture, and finally, pride. The one that spoke to me the most was the one that we actually have some control over: our pride. All of the others are somehow imposed upon us, but our pride? We have to own it and deal with it.

I know when I have a bout with insecurity, pride is the root of it. For example, one time in the last few months I needed to confront someone about an issue I was having in a ministry at church. Let me tell you, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate conflict! Why was I scared? Well, I was a little intimidated by this person-- he was known to never lose in a disagreement and he always had a great comeback for every point that was given. Yikes! I knew that nothing but jibberish was going to come out of my mouth and absolutely everything I would say would make no sense at all! My face would turn beet red and I would meekly retreat and back down. Or even worse, I might get defensive.

But ultimately, it was a pride issue. I didn't want to look like a fool. I didn't want to seem difficult or unbending. For goodness sake, I didn't want him not to like me! All pride issues. I had a legitimate concern and should have felt no insecurity in coming to this person and voicing them in a level-headed way. I should not have lost sleep over it. It was all about me and how I might be perceived after this discussion. (I did have a conversation with this person, and while it did not go as smoothly as I hoped, I didn't turn around and run out the door either!)

Beth says it best at the end of chapter 6, " We will never feel better about ourselves by becoming more consumed with ourselves. Likewise, we will never feel better about ourselves by feeling worse about others. Superiority can't give birth to security." And I wanted to feel superior and win that battle.

I am going to take Beth's advice when I feel the hurt and anxiety coming on: We can say the words, "Lord, that is nothing but pride. God, forgive me. Self, get over it." Like she says, pride is one of those roots that God can jerk up in a second, if we can pry our fingers loose and take ownership of it, and then, confess it and be freed from it.

Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. Take my pride and turn it into humility that is pleasing to you. Set me free from insecurity so I can go on with the great plans you have for me. Place your hand of blessing upon my head. Amen.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Me, Insecure?

Oh yes! I am incredibly insecure and I am incredibly good at hiding it. Just an fyi, I am in no way proud of how well I hide my insecurity.

Needless to say I did open this book and I did ready an intro plus 4 chapters in one week and I did start to breathe a little. I am not so naive to think that I am the only person who deals with insecurity and hides it well and allows it to sneak its way into my life as a root slowly taking hold of the soil of my heart. To be completely honest (this is how I work best....being completely honest) my closest friends know this about me. And God has blessed me with amazing friends and speaks encouragement through them.

But, I'm learning that I rely on this too much. I rely too much on the affirmation of people. I rely too much on encouragement from the mouths of those who are equally insecure. I rely too much on pity and words from mere humans. And I don't rely on God and all that He has to offer me.

For those of you who have never done a study with Beth Moore, you are missing out. For those of you that have, you know and probably love her honesty and her heart. God has truly blessed this woman in ministry with other women. She tells it like it is. She backs her words with scripture. She is constantly taking us into the truths of the Word of God. For this, I am grateful.

The biggest truth I have encountered so far is this: "When we allow God's truth to eclipse every false positive and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we'll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us." (psalm 90:17) I am not to look into a mirror and see me and loath what I see. I am to look into that mirror and see what God sees. His child. His creation. His beloved. His precious masterpiece.

Honestly I struggle with this. But, God is slowly peeling back the foggy layers from my eyes and revealing a beautiful woman. A woman who longs for her Jesus. A woman who is not perfect. A woman who has been made clean. A woman that He created in His image.

Yeah. So long insecurity.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Chapters 1 & 2

Ok.. we're loving this book ladies ( and by loving I mean, it's well written, challenging, and thought provoking!) Is anyone going on this journey with us?

Here is one of Beth Moore's questions from these first few chapers.

When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.

I think that this has been a long time struggle for me- being secure so it's hard to think of just "one" time. I'm certain this wasn't the last time but here is a good one that sticks out.

When Shane and I were dating he took me to meet his friends. I was nervous first of all just to meet them but I soon realized that my insecurities were going to be out in full force (ok at the time, I'm sure I was just panicking but now I can look back and think of the insecurities) His friends are great and I've so enjoyed getting to know them but that first meeting (and some others after that too!) all I could think about was how pretty the girls were, how skinny they were, how their clothes were awesome and their houses amazing. They drove fabulous cars and had great jobs and cute kids. I felt like country bumpkin coming to the big city! If this isn't a hundred insecurities all wrapped up in one I don't know what is!

I know I said it before but we all struggle with this in one form or another. Come on admit it you do too! Maybe some of us have overcome these (I'm not so self conscious around them and I've learned that they are just gals like me- in face they have their own insecurities I bet!)

Here's the thing that got me from these first few chapters. We all know that we have these struggles but have you thought of this? Jesus Christ has "chosen you and has appointed you to accomplish something good. Something that matters. Something prepared for you before time began (Ephesians 2:10) Something meant to have a serous impact within your sphere of influence."

Wow! I love thinking about the specific, special job that God has picked out just for me. And then in the very next breath I feel so sad at the thought that I'm not doing what he's made for me just because I'm insecure! I want to be used of God. I want him to smile and feel pride when he thinks of me and knows that I'm on the path He's chosen for me. And I want that for you too ladies. Let's get rid of this awful unwanted guest in our lives!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Insecurity Revisited

Piece of cake. I am a secure person now. I will read this book because I love Beth Moore, but I won't really learn much that I don't already know. I have fought the battle. I conquered it. I am no longer that timid, shy wallflower afraid to open up to people. Piece of cake, I think. I hope. Ummmm, maybe not.

This is the conversation I had with myself before I began "So Long Insecurity". I was pretty confident that this book no longer applied to me. I was wrong. Even though I consider my battle with insecurity mostly behind me, it rears its ugly head frequently, and I have to smash it back into submission.

Just a little background with my insecurity issues. Growing up, I was the quiet, shy, rule follower. Other people's opinions of me really mattered. I really wanted people to like me. Even though I was involved in lots of activities, at the top of my class, and had good friends, I felt out of the loop of the "popular" crowd. I felt intimidated easily. I would rather be quiet than be rejected. I remember the turning point very clearly. I applied to be the editor of my high school newspaper-- I had been a reporter since I was in eighth grade. My advisor spoke frankly with me about my role as a possible editor. "Kristi, you would be a fantastic editor. You are responsible, careful, and a great writer. But I am not sure about your leadership capabilities. Your shyness comes across as being snobby. You need to be friendlier and open up to people. Then they will open up to be led by you." OUCH. That hurt. But it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. My insecurity was holding me back.

So he gave me a chance as editor, and I worked really hard at being a good one. One that didn't retreat into her own little world of writing, but hung out with the group and asked opinions and joked around and had fun. Experiencing success really boosted my confidence. All throughout college and early adulthood, my battle with insecurity continued, but I won small battles. After marrying my husband, who is one of the most secure people I know, it was easier to see that it was okay if someone didn't like me, or had a different opinion than I did. Also, after reconnecting with Christ in my early 20's and finding a few really good friends who were grounded in Christ as well, my insecurity continued to retreat. I felt more and more free to be myself and not worry about what others thought of me.

But is it ever really gone, like forever? I would say no. Do I still want people to like me? Yes, definitely. Do I still hate conflict? Yes. Do I still tend to blend in to a group instead of stand out? Yep. Do I have trouble saying no? Definitely. I still need to read this book. And I am learning from it My relationship with Jesus can help me continue to slay this dragon called insecurity.
He wants me to be free from it. As Beth says at the end of Chapter4, this is the challenge. "To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction and relationship. When we allow God's truth to eclipse every (lie) and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we'll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us. (Psalm 90:17)

My hope is that you will all read this book and recommend it to every woman you know. We all have areas of insecurity in our lives, and God can set us free from it. And freedom is a beautiful thing.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


So, I am stubborn. The cat is out of the bag. I am set in my ways. I like to be in charge, know what's going on, and appear like all is well. And I don't like for things to be stirred up to let anyone think or know anything different.

Well all is not well. The reality of living on this earth is knowing that this is not my home. The day I decided to follow Jesus was the day my eyes were opened to reality. It was also the first time that I truly was opened to sin and forgiveness.

If you read this blog you know that we are starting the book So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. Honestly, I haven't started because I am scared to death that all my insecurities will surface and I am stubborn and don't want to face them. I attempted to read this book 4 times over the week. Each time I would pray for strength, open the book, and close it super quick.

This is me being stubborn. This is me clearly ignoring work that God wants to do and needs to do in my heart. This is me trying to be in control so that others cannot see the real Dina.

This is me.

So, I am going to open this book tonight and make myself read it. I am going to open myself to the work that God clearly has in mind. I am going to open my heart to being healed and dealing with one thing at a time. I am going to trust that God has my best in store.

With that I say, "So long insecurity!"

Friday, March 5, 2010

There is a God. It's not you.

This is a message that God is working hard to teach me. He even went as far as to print it in a book I am reading. I am just learning all over again that I am not in control. I have a lot going on, but I know that God will be blessing me in the changes. So I am along for the ride. Hope life slows down, so I can catch up with all of you someday soon!

Much love!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

So Long Insecurity

Hello Ladies!

I'm writing to you with a clingy toddler on my leg. She desperately needs some attention so this will be quick. I just wanted to tell you that we're going to start sharing our thoughts on Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity next week. I just started it this week and believe me, please believe me when I say you HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. I'm just through chapter 2 and today I'm going back to highlight and underline, it's that good.

As I was reading this I kept thinking... "so and so needs to read this... and so does this person... and this person would love it too...." But here's the truth. It's written for every lady. We all need this encouragement. So if you can, please go out and buy it. We got ours from Borders online, but you could go to any Christian book store. We'd love to walk this journey with you.