Monday, March 29, 2010

I am better than this....

So I'm moving through this book a little slower than expected. Normally I can pick up a book this size and be through it in a few days. Honestly, I am only getting through a chapter a week! It has been rough, but amazingly great.

I just finished chapter 5 "Rooting It Out". Yes, you are thinking correctly....this chapter makes you start digging through your insecurities. So, I am about to be very honest. Let me preface this honesty by asking you not to feel sorry for me or sad or bummed. That is not my intent in sharing my heart. My intent is to be real and show the glory of God in my life.

My biggest insecurity comes in my relationships with people, primarily friends. I can convince myself at any given moment that a friend doesn't really value my friendship as much as I value theirs. I mean, I can convince myself that a person truly dislikes the mere presence of me. I did just this over the weekend. I had myself convinced that my friend felt like they wasted a day by spending it with me. I woke up Sunday morning and was beyond sad about it.

Where did this all come from? It seriously snuck up on me and planted itself in the center of my heart. I felt suffocated by this insecurity. I felt trapped. I felt like every single person I came in contact with could see right through me. I prayed. I begged. I cried. .

Nothing would give me relief.

Then it happened. I sat still for a few seconds and listened. God comforted me. I cannot explain it. I just felt hugged and loved and reassured and better. God pumped me up to remind me that I am better than the LIES that satan feeds me. "I am better than this," I thought. I am better than the lies being fed to me. I am a child of God.

I don't believe that the struggle with insecurity is over. However I feel like the walls are coming down. Walls that have been up for a very long time. I know that it will hurt a little, but I know God can heal my wounded heart. For that I am grateful and humbled.

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