Monday, March 8, 2010

Insecurity Revisited

Piece of cake. I am a secure person now. I will read this book because I love Beth Moore, but I won't really learn much that I don't already know. I have fought the battle. I conquered it. I am no longer that timid, shy wallflower afraid to open up to people. Piece of cake, I think. I hope. Ummmm, maybe not.

This is the conversation I had with myself before I began "So Long Insecurity". I was pretty confident that this book no longer applied to me. I was wrong. Even though I consider my battle with insecurity mostly behind me, it rears its ugly head frequently, and I have to smash it back into submission.

Just a little background with my insecurity issues. Growing up, I was the quiet, shy, rule follower. Other people's opinions of me really mattered. I really wanted people to like me. Even though I was involved in lots of activities, at the top of my class, and had good friends, I felt out of the loop of the "popular" crowd. I felt intimidated easily. I would rather be quiet than be rejected. I remember the turning point very clearly. I applied to be the editor of my high school newspaper-- I had been a reporter since I was in eighth grade. My advisor spoke frankly with me about my role as a possible editor. "Kristi, you would be a fantastic editor. You are responsible, careful, and a great writer. But I am not sure about your leadership capabilities. Your shyness comes across as being snobby. You need to be friendlier and open up to people. Then they will open up to be led by you." OUCH. That hurt. But it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. My insecurity was holding me back.

So he gave me a chance as editor, and I worked really hard at being a good one. One that didn't retreat into her own little world of writing, but hung out with the group and asked opinions and joked around and had fun. Experiencing success really boosted my confidence. All throughout college and early adulthood, my battle with insecurity continued, but I won small battles. After marrying my husband, who is one of the most secure people I know, it was easier to see that it was okay if someone didn't like me, or had a different opinion than I did. Also, after reconnecting with Christ in my early 20's and finding a few really good friends who were grounded in Christ as well, my insecurity continued to retreat. I felt more and more free to be myself and not worry about what others thought of me.

But is it ever really gone, like forever? I would say no. Do I still want people to like me? Yes, definitely. Do I still hate conflict? Yes. Do I still tend to blend in to a group instead of stand out? Yep. Do I have trouble saying no? Definitely. I still need to read this book. And I am learning from it My relationship with Jesus can help me continue to slay this dragon called insecurity.
He wants me to be free from it. As Beth says at the end of Chapter4, this is the challenge. "To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction and relationship. When we allow God's truth to eclipse every (lie) and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we'll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us. (Psalm 90:17)

My hope is that you will all read this book and recommend it to every woman you know. We all have areas of insecurity in our lives, and God can set us free from it. And freedom is a beautiful thing.

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