It's been about 6 months since I regularly attended at this church. The longest in my life. I am having a hard time attending there for many reasons. But due to the hardships there, my heart remains broken. I would have thought that after this amount of time, I would be able to go back....but the hurt remains.
I guess when we are looking for blessings and healing...we expect God to work on our time.
As a person that lives for lists, organizations and day planners this is a frustrating part of faith for me. It doesn't matter how many times He reminds me that it's not my plan but His...I still don't get it!
I am not really sure what the point of this is...I guess God is making me start to talk about something that I have been keeping pretty much inside for a while.
I am looking for the faith lesson that I am supposed to be learning in this time.
I am having a hard time completing disciplined tasks that used to be second nature.
I have a poor attitude towards a lot of the individuals that I used to be so close with.
I don't see God weekly on Sunday morning because I am broken and distant.
I don't have a ministry that I poor my heart and soul into.
I miss my kids at church.
It changes my attitude throughout the week.
It changes the witness that I could have Monday - Saturday.
It makes me feel guilt, in turn causing more hurt.
So I know I am not the only person suffering from a disagreement on timing issue with Christ. I also know in my hard hurt heart that Jesus us bigger than all of this. And I know that when He died on the cross He knew what this struggle would feel like for me, He lost His ministry too but instead of a loss at all, He tranformed it into something even greater...Salvation. I am thankful that in my confusion, I still know His Salvation. His Mercy Still Covers Me.
Thanks for never changing. Thanks for sending Christ to experience this world and to offer your sweet sweet salvation. You know my specific struggles, could you transform them into something big and great, that will bring glory to your name. I long to bless your name. Amen